How I healed from sexual trauma
Painting of the author, Brialle Ringer, by Gisela McDaniel
Trigger warning: mention of sexual assault
In the era of #MeToo, we heard the stories of so many survivors. Many felt called to courageously share their own stories. The veil began to lift, no longer concealing the vast rape culture we live in, giving space to reveal (and thus heal) the all too common experience of sexual violence in our society. While story sharing can be powerful, I felt many had revealed their wounds and then were unsure of what to do now. How do I heal? A question I myself grappled with for years.
This is my story of healing, finding liberation, and allowing one of my greatest pains to be my greatest teacher.
When I first experienced the non consensual encounter at age 17 in 2012, I denied it and made myself believe I just had sex. I wasn’t ready to process how my body had been violated. Rape was my introduction to sex, my virginity was stolen while I laid unconscious and unable to fight.
What followed was befriending the person who had harmed me, making myself normalize the experience, unable to face the truth. I spent the next two years partying and having (unpleasurable) casual sex to mask my suffering in self-sabotage. I didn’t have healthy coping skills at that point in my life, and I forgive myself for doing what I could to regulate after a traumatic experience.
In 2015, after months of grueling pain in my womb space and doctor visits seeking diagnosis, I had a cyst in my right ovary surgically removed. At the time, I didn’t have a meaningful relationship with my body, so I didn’t think much of this operation and the root causes of the cyst. My understanding has since evolved to recognize the cyst in my ovary as a physical manifestation of my unresolved sexual trauma, I’ll share more about that later.
Shortly after my surgery, I attended a Survivor Speak Out event on campus. My intention was to witness others share their story as an ally, but as I listened to stories that felt eerily similar to my own experience, I burst into tears at the realization that I was also a survivor. At first, I left the room, weeping and wailing, bursting open space to express pain, guilt, and shame that I had repressed for so long. I could no longer deny my truth.
I began to leave the event, gathering up my belongings and walking out the door, but a voice in my head and a pit in my gut told me that this was my chance to heal. Remembering that silence perpetuates violence, I was called to share my story in front of everyone. I stumbled and let my voice shake, finding the words to share myself in a room of my peers. This was the beginning of my healing.
While I had acknowledged and shared my story, I still didn’t fully commit to my healing at that time. I avoided talking about this area of my life in therapy, and avoided the shadow work all together that was necessary to truly heal.
What inspired me to really get serious about my healing was experiencing recurring reproductive health issues. After having a cyst removed from my right ovary, I continued to experience challenges with my womb, yoni, and menstrual health. Somewhere around late 2016/early 2017, I had a pap smear that came back abnormal and was diagnosed with HPV. The diagnosis and increased risk of cervical cancer associated with my diagnosis served as a wake up call to get to the root of why I was experiencing recurring reproductive health issues.
Sharing what I was going through with a friend, she told me I should check out the chakras to learn more about the mind-body connection. She shared that, at a time when she was having health problems with her thyroid, it was also a time that she wasn’t speaking her truth. I deeply resonated with the idea that my emotional and physical health was connected.
When I went home and began researching the chakras, I learned that the sacral chakra was connected to reproductive health. When I continued digging, I discovered that sexual trauma can cause imbalance and blockage in this energy center. Immediately, a light bulb went off and it all made sense.
Of course, the sexual trauma that I had experienced in high school and never took time to address or heal was impacting me physically! My body was calling me to heal. And I knew that if I didn’t courageously address the trauma, that I would continue to experience the repercussions physically. That night, I committed to my healing.
I began learning and practicing everything I could to help heal my sacral chakra and sexual trauma. I meditated, journaled, repeated affirmations, prayed under the moon for my healing, did hip opening yoga postures, swayed my hips, danced, ate more plant based and especially orange foods, got reiki, created a connection with my womb and yoni, and prioritized self-pleasure. By my side through it all, I had a partner who was incredibly loving and supportive. Little by little, I started feeling shifts. I was more creative, and birthed my first business, a crystal jewelry company, Black Fairy Magic. I reconnected with my first love, dance, and found myself spinning joy with hula hoops every day. I felt deeply in tune with my body in ways I never had before.
Moments of liberation as I reclaimed pleasure in my life.
After about 6 months of doing these practices daily, I went back to the gynecologist and everything came back healthy and normal. I literally healed myself physically by healing emotionally with chakra work. I was shook to my core about the power of energy and emotional healing for physical healing. That’s when I knew I wanted to make a career sharing this powerful information with people.
Though I had just graduated with my degree in Social Work, I decided to transition and build a career as a Holistic Health Coach. I went on to travel in a van for a year exploring and making crystal jewelry. Along my adventures, I landed in Los Angeles, where I decided to stay and get my yoga teacher certification. I then studied to receive my certification in plant based nutrition. I went on to integrate my studies in yoga and plant based nutrition with my passion for chakras and created a 7 week Chakra Yoga Course. In the course, I share the chakras as a roadmap for uncovering how past stress and traumas are impacting one’s personality, emotional and physical health.
While I had made leaps and bounds in my healing around sexual trauma, I knew that as I stepped into supporting other people with their healing, I needed to continue the work on myself. A wonderful man in my life that loves me deeply recommended I participate in the Landmark Forum. Truthfully, the recommendation grew out of self sabotaging a divine romantic relationship (oops).
At first, I resisted participating in the program sharing that “I didn’t wanna give $700 to a bunch of white people!” That is until I heard Black woman millionaire, Danielle Leslie, report that Landmark was instrumental in her success. I said, well okay then lemme see what this is all about!
Fast forward to being in the Landmark Forum, I had powerful breakthroughs to disappear constraints of the past, discovered with clarity how my childhood was impacting me, and experienced noticeable shifts in all areas of my life especially in the realms of love, family, money, and career. I had such a transformative experience in the 3 day forum that I continued to participate in their programs. It was in my 10 week seminar that I discovered that while I was proudly proclaiming my sexual liberation, I wasn’t truly free.
After years of denying and repressing my experience of sexual trauma, I found empowerment in claiming my truth as a survivor. But I had literally taken it on as part of my identity and who I was, it was basically like, “Hi my name is Brialle, I’m a survivor of sexual assault.” I think it was an important part of my healing to release shame and share authentically. But I now realize, that in identifying with my trauma as a “sexual assault survivor”, I was perpetuating a victim mentality and continuously carrying my past into my future. Even when I began my sexual liberation journey to reclaim sovereignty, it was still rooted in my trauma. I believe that each phase was an important part of my journey. But lemme tell y'all what really freed me, I mean truly FREED me. Like I don’t even identify as a survivor anymore, my language about the experience has shifted, I felt a massive weight lifted as I made a quantum leap in my healing, and I now feel absolutely liberated from this part of my story.
So what did I do to make this quantum leap? I called the person and I forgave.
Before you continue reading, I want you to take a moment to notice how that last sentence felt in your body. Was there an immediate resistance that arose at the thought of forgiving? Acknowledge whatever came up for you with nonjudgement and just hold it in your awareness as information. Our triggers can point us in the direction of our healing.
Before participating in the Landmark Forum, I probably would have chewed someone out for even suggesting that I forgive this person, holding the belief that forgiving abusers is toxic nonsense. But in a conversation with my coach who vulnerably shared something with me, I felt inspired to take action in my own life and open up my heart to forgiveness. I guess that’s part of what’s inspiring me to share so detailed about my own journey, I know that witnessing someone else in their vulnerability and healing can give us permission to do the same.
I reached out to the person that day on Facebook and asked for his number so I could call him. I prayed he would take several days to respond, but he got back within the hour and the ball was in my court to make the call. When I called, it sounded something like this:
Hey. Do you remember back in 2012, our first time hanging out? Well I want to share something with you about that night. We had drank a little bit, but I felt a lot more messed up for what I had drank, so much so that I passed out. When I returned to consciousness, I was in your bed and you were on top of me and inside of me. I have no recollection of getting into your bed, taking off my clothes, or giving you consent. I wasn’t even conscious to give you consent, and that was rape. In the years that followed, I denied what happened for a long time and suppressed the painful memory with partying. The impact of that experience led me to feel that my pleasure was not my own, feel unworthy of love, push away and sabotage love when it was present, and I had physical manifestations of the trauma with a cyst in my ovary and recurring reproductive health issues. I take full responsibility for the impact that I allowed what happened to have on me. I’ve taken a lot of strides in my healing, but I still felt incomplete. So I’m calling to create the possibility of peace and forgiveness. I don’t want to have any communication or connection with you, I just want to be free.
Notice how I took responsibility for how I reacted to what happened and didn’t blame him, that was important. Things in life happen that we don’t always have control over, but we can control how we respond. We we take responsibility for our lives, we take our power back.
After I shared there was a silent pause, but how he responded moved me. He said, “Wow… I had no idea that was your experience. I don’t know what to say, no one has ever said something like this to me. That’s not my perception of that night, but I’m not going to try and defend myself. I’m really sorry. Is there anything I can do to support you? If you need anything please reach out.”
In that moment, all the stories I had about him being this malicious person who intentionally harmed me melted away. What was left with was an understanding that he is a human being who made a mistake, who didn’t even know he had made a mistake or caused harm, because I had never shared it until 7 years later. Which made me see very clearly that I had been creating my own suffering for the last 7 years. Tears streamed down my face as I felt an enormous weight lifted from my body, mind, and spirit.
I realized that forgiveness wasn’t spiritual bypassing. Forgiveness doesn’t absolve someone of accountability for their actions, and it doesn’t erase what happened or make it okay. Forgiveness has the power to free you from the resentment that lingers on your heart, keeping you from giving and receiving love, feeling at peace, and being free. You deserve to be free!
That 5 minute phone call freed me! Forgiveness liberated me more than any other practice I had spent time and money investing into healing myself from sexual trauma. My friend described it to me as, “Wow girl, it was like you were climbing this whole ass mountain when you could’ve just gone around!” Yes bitch, that’s exactly what it was like.
Which led me to get curious about where else in my life I was creating my own suffering?! What other unnecessary arduous mountains have I been climbing?!
This breakthrough transformed me, and over a year later since the discovery, I still feel absolutely free from sexual trauma.
If you’ve resonated with any part of my story, I want you to know that healing is possible, freedom is available to you, and you hold the keys to your liberation.
I’ll leave you with this gentle reminder: Our bodies are always communicating to us. There’s a reason for the tightness in your hips, the recurring health issues in that one area, the parts of your body that consistently feel most tense. Have the courage to look underneath the symptom and uncover the root cause. When we repress emotions, they can manifest physically. Our energy and our emotions can be the first signs that an area of our life needs loving attention. When we ignore these subtle calls to heal, the body can manifest a physical challenge that forces us to pay attention. Look at this as an opportunity to truly listen and heal, rather than shaming and blaming yourself for the health challenges you’re facing. Listening to my body led to my liberation, and I hope it can lead to yours too.
P.S. In my next post, I’ll share specific practices and resources that supported my healing.
